1/2 oz. gin
1/2 oz. vodka
1/2 oz. rum (preferably dark)
3/4 oz. tequilla
1/2 oz. triple sec
1/2 oz. orange juice
3/4 oz. sour mix
1/2 oz. cola
shake with ice and strain into frosted glass.
		Long Island Iced Tea
%
6 oz. orange juice
1 oz. vodka
1/2 oz. Galliano
		Harvey Wallbangers
%
A beer delayed is a beer denied.
%
A couple more shots of whiskey, women 'round here start looking good.

		[something about a 10 being a 4 after a six-pack?  Ed.]
%
A guy walks into a bar, orders a beer, carries it to the bathroom and dumps it
into a urinal.  Over the course of the next few hours, he goes back to the bar
and repeats this sequence -- several times.  Finally the bartender got so
curious that he leaned over the bar and asked him what he was doing.

Replied the customer, "Avoiding the middleman."
%
A prohibitionist is the sort of man one wouldn't care to drink with
-- even if he drank.
		-- H. L. Mencken
%
Absinthe makes the tart grow fonder.
%
Alcohol is the anesthesia by which we endure the operation of life.
		-- George Bernard Shaw
%
Alcohol, hashish, prussic acid, strychnine are weak dilutions. The surest
poison is time.
		-- Emerson, "Society and Solitude"
%
Alcoholics Anonymous is when you get to drink under someone else's name.
%
Always store beer in a dark place.
		-- Lazarus Long
%
An alcoholic is someone you don't like who drinks as much as you do.
		-- Dylan Thomas
%
And you can't get any Watney's Red Barrel,
because the bars close every time you're thirsty...
%
... at least I thought I was dancing, 'til somebody stepped on my hand.
		-- J. B. White
%
Be wary of strong drink.  It can make you shoot at tax collectors and miss.
		-- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"
%
Because the wine remembers.
%
Beer & Pretzels -- Breakfast of Champions.
%
Beer -- it's not just for breakfast anymore.
%
Beggar to well-dressed businessman:
	"Could you spare $20.95 for a fifth of Chivas?"
%
Best Beer: A panel of tasters assembled by the Consumer's Union in 1969
judged Coors and Miller's High Life to be among the very best. Those who
doubt that beer is a serious subject might ponder its effect on American
history. For example, New England's first colonists decided to drop anchor
at Plymouth Rock instead of continuing on to Virginia because, as one of
them put it, "We could not now take time for further consideration, our
victuals being spent and especially our beer."
		-- Felton & Fowler's Best, Worst & Most Unusual
%
Booze is the answer.  I don't remember the question.
%
Brandy-and-water spoils two good things.
		-- Charles Lamb
%
But, officer, he's not drunk, I just saw his fingers twitch!
%
Cerebus:	I'd love to lick apricot brandy out of your navel.
Jaka:		Look, Cerebus-- Jaka has to tell you ... something
Cerebus:	If Cerebus had a navel, would you lick apricot brandy out of it?
Jaka:		Ugh!
Cerebus:	You don't like apricot brandy?
		-- Cerebus #6, "The Secret"
%
Claret is the liquor for boys; port for men; but he who aspires to be a hero
... must drink brandy.
		-- Samuel Johnson
%
Climbing onto a bar stool, a piece of string asked for a beer.
	"Wait a minute.  Aren't you a string?"
	"Well, yes, I am."
	"Sorry.  We don't serve strings here."
	The determined string left the bar and stopped a passer-by.  "Excuse,
me," it said, "would you shred my ends and tie me up like a pretzel?"  The
passer-by obliged, and the string re-entered the bar.  "May I have a beer,
please?" it asked the bartender.
	The barkeep set a beer in front of the string, then suddenly stopped.
"Hey, aren't you the string I just threw out of here?"
	"No, I'm a frayed knot."
%
Coach: Can I draw you a beer, Norm?
Norm:  No, I know what they look like.  Just pour me one.
		-- Cheers, No Help Wanted

Coach: How about a beer, Norm?
Norm:  Hey I'm high on life, Coach.  Of course, beer is my life.
		-- Cheers, No Help Wanted

Coach: How's a beer sound, Norm?
Norm:  I dunno.  I usually finish them before they get a word in.
		-- Cheers, Fortune and Men's Weights
%
Coach: How's it going, Norm?
Norm:  Daddy's rich and Momma's good lookin'.
		-- Cheers, Truce or Consequences

Sam:   What's up, Norm?
Norm:  My nipples.  It's freezing out there.
		-- Cheers, Coach Returns to Action

Coach: What's the story, Norm?
Norm:  Thirsty guy walks into a bar.  You finish it.
		-- Cheers, Endless Slumper
%
Coach: What would you say to a beer, Normie?
Norm:  Daddy wuvs you.
		-- Cheers, The Mail Goes to Jail

Sam:  What'd you like, Normie?
Norm: A reason to live.  Gimme another beer.
		-- Cheers, Behind Every Great Man

Sam:  What will you have, Norm?
Norm: Well, I'm in a gambling mood, Sammy.  I'll take a glass of whatever
      comes out of that tap.
Sam:  Oh, looks like beer, Norm.
Norm: Call me Mister Lucky.
		-- Cheers, The Executive's Executioner
%
Coach: What's up, Norm?
Norm:  Corners of my mouth, Coach.
		-- Cheers, Fortune and Men's Weights

Coach:  What's shaking, Norm?
Norm:   All four cheeks and a couple of chins, Coach.
		-- Cheers, Snow Job

Coach:  Beer, Normie?
Norm:   Uh, Coach, I dunno, I had one this week.  Eh, why not, I'm still young.
		-- Cheers, Snow Job
%
Come quickly, I am tasting stars!
		-- Dom Perignon, upon discovering champagne.
%
Come, landlord, fill the flowing bowl until it does run over,
Tonight we will all merry be -- tomorrow we'll get sober.
		-- John Fletcher, "The Bloody Brother", II, 2
%
Don't drink when you drive -- you might hit a bump and spill it.
%
Don't smoke the next cigarette.  Repeat.
%
Drink Canada Dry!  You might not succeed, but it *__is* fun trying.
%
Drinking coffee for instant relaxation?  That's like drinking alcohol for
instant motor skills.
		-- Marc Price
%
Drinking is not a spectator sport.
		-- Jim Brosnan
%
Drinking makes such fools of people, and people are such fools to begin
with, that it's compounding a felony.
		-- Robert Benchley
%
Drunks are rarely amusing unless they know some good songs and lose a
lot a poker.
		-- Karyl Roosevelt
%
Eggnog is a traditional holiday drink invented by the English.  Many
people wonder where the word "eggnog" comes from.  The first syllable
comes from the English word "egg", meaning "egg".  I don't know where
the "nog" comes from.

To make eggnog, you'll need rum, whiskey, wine gin and, if they are in
season, eggs...
%
ELECTRIC JELL-O

2   boxes JELL-O brand gelatin	2 packages Knox brand unflavored gelatin
2   cups fruit (any variety)	2+ cups water
1/2 bottle Everclear brand grain alcohol

Mix JELL-O and Knox gelatin into 2 cups of boiling water.  Stir 'til
	fully dissolved.
Pour hot mixture into a flat pan.  (JELL-O molds won't work.)
Stir in grain alcohol instead of usual cold water.  Remove any congealing
	glops of slime. (Alcohol has an unusual effect on excess JELL-O.)
Pour in fruit to desired taste, and to absorb any excess alcohol.
Mix in some cold water to dilute the alcohol and make it easier to eat for
	the faint of heart.
Refrigerate overnight to allow mixture to fully harden. (About 8-12 hours.)
Cut into squares and enjoy!

WARNING:
	Keep ingredients away from open flame.  Not recommended for
	children under eight years of age.
%
Every morning is a Smirnoff morning.
%
Excellent day for drinking heavily.  Spike the office water cooler.
%
	Festivity Level 1: Your guests are chatting amiably with each
other, admiring your Christmas-tree ornaments, singing carols around
the upright piano, sipping at their drinks and nibbling hors d'oeuvres.

	Festivity Level 2: Your guests are talking loudly -- sometimes
to each other, and sometimes to nobody at all, rearranging your
Christmas-tree ornaments, singing "I Gotta Be Me" around the upright
piano, gulping their drinks and wolfing down hors d'oeuvres.

	Festivity Level 3: Your guests are arguing violently with
inanimate objects, singing "I can't get no satisfaction," gulping down
other peoples' drinks, wolfing down Christmas tree ornaments and
placing hors d'oeuvres in the upright piano to see what happens when
the little hammers strike.

	Festivity Level 4: Your guests, hors d'oeuvres smeared all over
their naked bodies are performing a ritual dance around the burning
Christmas tree.  The piano is missing.

	You want to keep your party somewhere around level 3, unless
you rent your home and own Firearms, in which case you can go to level
4.  The best way to get to level 3 is egg-nog.
%
Fishing, with me, has always been an excuse to drink in the daytime.
		-- Jimmy Cannon
%
Fortune finishes the great quotations, #17

	"This bud of love, by summer's ripening breath,
	May prove a beauteous flower when next we meet."
	Juliet, this bud's for you.
%
FORTUNE'S FAVORITE RECIPES: #8
	Christmas Rum Cake

1 or 2 quarts rum		1 tbsp. baking powder
1 cup butter			1 tsp. soda
1 tsp. sugar			1 tbsp. lemon juice
2 large eggs			2 cups brown sugar
2 cups dried assorted fruit	3 cups chopped English walnuts

Before you start, sample the rum to check for quality.  Good, isn't it?  Now
select a large mixing bowl, measuring cup, etc.  Check the rum again.  It
must be just right.  Be sure the rum is of the highest quality.  Pour one cup
of rum into a glass and drink it as fast as you can.  Repeat. With an electric
mixer, beat one cup butter in a large fluffy bowl.  Add 1 seaspoon of tugar
and beat again.  Meanwhile, make sure the rum teh absolutely highest quality.
Sample another cup.  Open second quart as necessary.  Add 2 orge laggs, 2 cups
of fried druit and beat untill high.  If the fried druit gets stuck in the
beaters, just pry it loose with a screwdriver.  Sample the rum again, checking
for toncisticity.  Next sift 3 cups of baking powder, a pinch of rum, a
seaspoon of toda and a cup of pepper or salt (it really doesn't matter).
Sample some more.  Sift 912 pint of lemon juice.  Fold in schopped butter and
strained chups.  Add bablespoon of brown gugar, or whatever color you have.
Mix mell.  Grease oven and turn cake pan to 350 gredees and rake until
poothtick comes out crean.
%
FORTUNE'S PARTY TIPS		#14

Tired of finding that other people are helping themselves to your good
liquor at BYOB parties?  Take along a candle, which you insert and
light after you've opened the bottle.  No one ever expects anything
drinkable to be in a bottle which has a candle stuck in its neck.
%
Glogg (a traditional Scandinavian holiday drink):
	fifth of dry red wine
	fifth of Aquavit
	1 and 1/2 inch piece of cinnamon
	10 cardamom seeds
	1 cup raisins
	4 dried figs
	1 cup blanched or flaked almonds
	a few pieces of dried orange peel
	5 cloves
	1/2 lb. sugar cubes
	Heat up the wine and hard stuff (which may be substituted with wine
for the faint of heart) in a big pot after adding all the other stuff EXCEPT
the sugar cubes.  Just when it reaches boiling, put the sugar in a wire
strainer, moisten it in the hot brew, lift it out and ignite it with a match.
Dip the sugar several times in the liquid until it is all dissolved.  Serve
hot in cups with a few raisins and almonds in each cup.
	N.B. Aquavit may be hard to find and expensive to boot.  Use it only
if you really have a deep-seated desire to be fussy, or if you are of Swedish
extraction.
%
Halley's Comet: It came, we saw, we drank.
%
Harry's bar has a new cocktail.  It's called MRS punch.  They make it with
milk, rum and sugar and it's wonderful.  The milk is for vitality and the
sugar is for pep.  They put in the rum so that people will know what to do
with all that pep and vitality.
%
Having a wonderful wine, wish you were beer.
%
Having wandered helplessly into a blinding snowstorm Sam was greatly
relieved to see a sturdy Saint Bernard dog bounding toward him with
the traditional keg of brandy strapped to his collar.
	"At last," cried Sam, "man's best friend -- and a great big dog, too!"
%
He knew the tavernes well in every toun.
		-- Geoffrey Chaucer
%
He's just like Capistrano, always ready for a few swallows.
%
"Hey!  Who took the cork off my lunch??!"
		-- W. C. Fields
%
HOGAN'S HEROES DRINKING GAME --
	Take a shot every time:

-- Sergeant Schultz says, "I knoooooowww nooooothing!"
-- General Burkhalter or Major Hochstetter intimidate/insult Colonel Klink.
-- Colonel Klink falls for Colonel Hogan's flattery.
-- One of the prisoners sneaks out of camp (one shot for each prisoner to go).
-- Colonel Klink snaps to attention after answering the phone (two shots
	if it's one of our heroes on the other end).
-- One of the Germans is threatened with being sent to the Russian front.
-- Corporal Newkirk calls up a German in his phoney German accent, and
	tricks him (two shots if it's Colonel Klink).
-- Hogan has a romantic interlude with a beautiful girl from the underground.
-- Colonel Klink relates how he's never had an escape from Stalag 13.
-- Sergeant Schultz gives up a secret (two shots if he's bribed with food).
-- The prisoners listen to the Germans' conversation by a hidden transmitter.
-- Sergeant Schultz "captures" one of the prisoners after an escape.
-- Lebeau pronounces "colonel" as "cuh-loh-`nell".
-- Carter builds some kind of device (two shots if it's not explosive).
-- Lebeau wears his apron.
-- Hogan says "We've got no choice" when someone claims that the plan is
	impossible.
		-- The prisoners capture an important German, and sneak him out the tunnel.
%
I can't die until the government finds a safe place to bury my liver.
		-- Phil Harris
%
I distrust a man who says when.  If he's  upon discovering champagne.
%
Come, landlord, fill the flowing bowl until it does run over,
Tonight we will all merry be -- tomorrow we'll get sober.
		-- John Fletcher, "The Bloody Brother", II, 2
%
Don't drink when you drive -- you might hit a bump and spill it.
%
Don't smoke the next cigarette.  Repeat.
%
Drink Canada Dry!  You might not succeed, but it *__is* fun trying.
%
Drinking coffee for instant relaxation?  That's like drinking alcohol for
instant motor skills.
		-- Marc Price
%
Drinking is not a spectator sport.
		-- Jim Brosnan
%
Drinking makes such fools of people, and people are such fools to begin
with, that it's compounding a felony.
		-- Robert Benchley
%
Drunks are rarely amusing unless they know some good songs and lose a
lot a poker.
		-- Karyl Roosevelt
%
Eggnog is a traditional holiday drink invented by the English.  Many
people wonder where the word "eggnog" comes from.  The first syllable
comes from the English word "egg", meaning "egg".  I don't know where
the "nog" comes from.

To make eggnog, you'll need rum, whiskey, wine gin and, if they are in
season, eggs...
%
ELECTRIC JELL-O

2   boxes JELL-O brand gelatin	2 packages Knox brand unflavored gelatin
2   cups fruit (any variety)	2+ cups water
1/2 bottle Everclear brand grain alcohol

Mix JELL-O and Knox gelatin into 2 cups of boiling water.  Stir 'til
	fully dissolved.
Pour hot mixture into a flat pan.  (JELL-O molds won't work.)
Stir in grain alcohol instead of usual cold water.  Remove any congealing
	glops of slime. (Alcohol has an unusual effect on excess JELL-O.)
Pour in fruit to desired taste, and to absorb any excess alcohol.
Mix in some cold water to dilute the alcohol and make it easier to eat for
	the faint of heart.
Refrigerate overnight to allow mixture to fully harden. (About 8-12 hours.)
Cut into squares and enjoy!

WARNING:
	Keep ingredients away from open flame.  Not recommended for
	children under eight years of age.
%
Every morning is a Smirnoff morning.
%
Excellent day for drinking heavily.  Spike the office water cooler.
%
	Festivity Level 1: Your guests are chatting amiably with each
other, admiring your Christmas-tree ornaments, singing carols around
the upright piano, sipping at their drinks and nibbling hors d'oeuvres.

	Festivity Level 2: Your guests are talking loudly -- sometimes
to each other, and sometimes to nobody at all, rearranging your
Christmas-tree ornaments, singing "I Gotta Be Me" around the upright
piano, gulping their drinks and wolfing down hors d'oeuvres.

	Festivity Level 3: Your guests are arguing violently with
inanimate objects, singing "I can't get no satisfaction," gulping down
other peoples' drinks, wolfing down Christmas tree ornaments and
placing hors d'oeuvres in the upright piano to see what happens when
the little hammers strike.

	Festivity Level 4: Your guests, hors d'oeuvres smeared all over
their naked bodies are performing a ritual dance around the burning
Christmas tree.  The piano is missing.

	You want to keep your party somewhere around level 3, unless
you rent your home and own Firearms, in which case you can go to level
4.  The best way to get to level 3 is egg-nog.
%
Fishing, with me, has always been an excuse to drink in the daytime.
		-- Jimmy Cannon
%
Fortune finishes the great quotations, #17

	"This bud of love, by summer's ripening breath,
	May prove a beauteous flower when next we meet."
	Juliet, this bud's for you.
%
FORTUNE'S FAVORITE RECIPES: #8
	Christmas Rum Cake

1 or 2 quarts rum		1 tbsp. baking powder
1 cup butter			1 tsp. soda
1 tsp. sugar			1 tbsp. lemon juice
2 large eggs			2 cups brown sugar
2 cups dried assorted fruit	3 cups chopped English walnuts

Before you start, sample the rum to check for quality.  Good, isn't it?  Now
select a large mixing bowl, measuring cup, etc.  Check the rum again.  It
must be just right.  Be sure the rum is of the highest quality.  Pour one cup
of rum into a glass and drink it as fast as you can.  Repeat. With an electric
mixer, beat one cup butter in a large fluffy bowl.  Add 1 seaspoon of tugar
and beat again.  Meanwhile, make sure the rum teh absolutely highest quality.
Sample another cup.  Open second quart as necessary.  Add 2 orge laggs, 2 cups
of fried druit and beat untill high.  If the fried druit gets stuck in the
beaters, just pry it loose with a screwdriver.  Sample the rum again, checking
for toncisticity.  Next sift 3 cups of baking powder, a pinch of rum, a
seaspoon of toda and a cup of pepper or salt (it really doesn't matter).
Sample some more.  Sift 912 pint of lemon juice.  Fold in schopped butter and
strained chups.  Add bablespoon of brown gugar, or whatever color you have.
Mix mell.  Grease oven and turn cake pan to 350 gredees and rake until
poothtick comes out crean.
%
FORTUNE'S PARTY TIPS		#14

Tired of finding that other people are helping themselves to your good
liquor at BYOB parties?  Take along a candle, which you insert and
light after you've opened the bottle.  No one ever expects anything
drinkable to be in a bottle which has a candle stuck in its neck.
%
Glogg (a traditional Scandinavian holiday drink):
	fifth of dry red wine
	fifth of Aquavit
	1 and 1/2 inch piece of cinnamon
	10 cardamom seeds
	1 cup raisins
	4 dried figs
	1 cup blanched or flaked almonds
	a few pieces of dried orange peel
	5 cloves
	1/2 lb. sugar cubes
	Heat up the wine and hard stuff (which may be substituted with wine
for the faint of heart) in a big pot after adding all the other stuff EXCEPT
the sugar cubes.  Just when it reaches boiling, put the sugar in a wire
strainer, moisten it in the hot brew, lift it out and ignite it with a match.
Dip the sugar several times in the liquid until it is all dissolved.  Serve
hot in cups with a few raisins and almonds in each cup.
	N.B. Aquavit may be hard to find and expensive to boot.  Use it only
if you really have a deep-seated desire to be fussy, or if you are of Swedish
extraction.
%
Halley's Comet: It came, we saw, we drank.
%
Harry's bar has a new cocktail.  It's called MRS punch.  They make it with
milk, rum and sugar and it's wonderful.  The milk is for vitality and the
sugar is for pep.  They put in the rum so that people will know what to do
with all that pep and vitality.
%
Having a wonderful wine, wish you were beer.
%
Having wandered helplessly into a blinding snowstorm Sam was greatly
relieved to see a sturdy Saint Bernard dog bounding toward him with
the traditional keg of brandy strapped to his collar.
	"At last," cried Sam, "man's best friend -- and a great big dog, too!"
%
He knew the tavernes well in every toun.
		-- Geoffrey Chaucer
%
He's just like Capistrano, always ready for a few swallows.
%
"Hey!  Who took the cork off my lunch??!"
		-- W. C. Fields
%
HOGAN'S HEROES DRINKING GAME --
	Take a shot every time:

-- Sergeant Schultz says, "I knoooooowww nooooothing!"
-- General Burkhalter or Major Hochstetter intimidate/insult Colonel Klink.
-- Colonel Klink falls for Colonel Hogan's flattery.
-- One of the prisoners sneaks out of camp (one shot for each prisoner to go).
-- Colonel Klink snaps to attention after answering the phone (two shots
	if it's one of our heroes on the other end).
-- One of the Germans is threatened with being sent to the Russian front.
-- Corporal Newkirk calls up a German in his phoney German accent, and
	tricks him (two shots if it's Colonel Klink).
-- Hogan has a romantic interlude with a beautiful girl from the underground.
-- Colonel Klink relates how he's never had an escape from Stalag 13.
-- Sergeant Schultz gives up a secret (two shots if he's bribed with food).
-- The prisoners listen to the Germans' conversation by a hidden transmitter.
-- Sergeant Schultz "captures" one of the prisoners after an escape.
-- Lebeau pronounces "colonel" as "cuh-loh-`nell".
-- Carter builds some kind of device (two shots if it's not explosive).
-- Lebeau wears his apron.
-- Hogan says "We've got no choice" when someone claims that the plan is
	impossible.
		-- The prisoners capture an important German, and sneak him out the tunnel.
%
I can't die until the government finds a safe place to bury my liver.
		-- Phil Harris
%
I distrust a man who says when.  If he's  upon discovering champagne.
%
Come, landlord, fill the flowing bowl until it does run over,
Tonight we will all merry be -- tomorrow we'll get sober.
		-- John Fletcher, "The Bloody Brother", II, 2
%
Don't drink when you drive -- you might hit a bump and spill it.
%
Don't smoke the next cigarette.  Repeat.
%
Drink Canada Dry!  You might not succeed, but it *__is* fun trying.
%
Drinking coffee for instant relaxation?  That's like drinking alcohol for
instant motor skills.
		-- Marc Price
%
Drinking is not a spectator sport.
		-- Jim Brosnan
%
Drinking makes such fools of people, and people are such fools to begin
with, that it's compounding a felony.
		-- Robert Benchley
%
Drunks are rarely amusing unless they know some good songs and lose a
lot a poker.
		-- Karyl Roosevelt
%
Eggnog is a traditional holiday drink invented by the English.  Many
people wonder where the word "eggnog" comes from.  The first syllable
comes from the English word "egg", meaning "egg".  I don't know where
the "nog" comes from.

To make eggnog, you'll need rum, whiskey, wine gin and, if they are in
season, eggs...
%
ELECTRIC JELL-O

2   boxes JELL-O brand gelatin	2 packages Knox brand unflavored gelatin
2   cups fruit (any variety)	2+ cups water
1/2 bottle Everclear brand grain alcohol

Mix JELL-O and Knox gelatin into 2 cups of boiling water.  Stir 'til
	fully dissolved.
Pour hot mixture into a flat pan.  (JELL-O molds won't work.)
Stir in grain alcohol instead of usual cold water.  Remove any congealing
	glops of slime. (Alcohol has an unusual effect on excess JELL-O.)
Pour in fruit to desired taste, and to absorb any excess alcohol.
Mix in some cold water to dilute the alcohol and make it easier to eat for
	the faint of heart.
Refrigerate overnight to allow mixture to fully harden. (About 8-12 hours.)
Cut into squares and enjoy!

WARNING:
	Keep ingredients away from open flame.  Not recommended for
	children under eight years of age.
%
Every morning is a Smirnoff morning.
%
Excellent day for drinking heavily.  Spike the office water cooler.
%
	Festivity Level 1: Your guests are chatting amiably with each
other, admiring your Christmas-tree ornaments, singing carols around
the upright piano, sipping at their drinks and nibbling hors d'oeuvres.

	Festivity Level 2: Your guests are talking loudly -- sometimes
to each other, and sometimes to nobody at all, rearranging your
Christmas-tree ornaments, singing "I Gotta Be Me" around the upright
piano, gulping their drinks and wolfing down hors d'oeuvres.

	Festivity Level 3: Your guests are arguing violently with
inanimate objects, singing "I can't get no satisfaction," gulping down
other peoples' drinks, wolfing down Christmas tree ornaments and
placing hors d'oeuvres in the upright piano to see what happens when
the little hammers strike.

	Festivity Level 4: Your guests, hors d'oeuvres smeared all over
their naked bodies are performing a ritual dance around the burning
Christmas tree.  The piano is missing.

	You want to keep your party somewhere around level 3, unless
you rent your home and own Firearms, in which case you can go to level
4.  The best way to get to level 3 is egg-nog.
%
Fishing, with me, has always been an excuse to drink in the daytime.
		-- Jimmy Cannon
%
Fortune finishes the great quotations, #17

	"This bud of love, by summer's ripening breath,
	May prove a beauteous flower when next we meet."
	Juliet, this bud's for you.
%
FORTUNE'S FAVORITE RECIPES: #8
	Christmas Rum Cake

1 or 2 quarts rum		1 tbsp. baking powder
1 cup butter			1 tsp. soda
1 tsp. sugar			1 tbsp. lemon juice
2 large eggs			2 cups brown sugar
2 cups dried assorted fruit	3 cups chopped English walnuts

Before you start, sample the rum to check for quality.  Good, isn't it?  Now
select a large mixing bowl, measuring cup, etc.  Check the rum again.  It
must be just right.  Be sure the rum is of the highest quality.  Pour one cup
of rum into a glass and drink it as fast as you can.  Repeat. With an electric
mixer, beat one cup butter in a large fluffy bowl.  Add 1 seaspoon of tugar
and beat again.  Meanwhile, make sure the rum teh absolutely highest quality.
Sample another cup.  Open second quart as necessary.  Add 2 orge laggs, 2 cups
of fried druit and beat untill high.  If the fried druit gets stuck in the
beaters, just pry it loose with a screwdriver.  Sample the rum again, checking
for toncisticity.  Next sift 3 cups of baking powder, a pinch of rum, a
seaspoon of toda and a cup of pepper or salt (it really doesn't matter).
Sample some more.  Sift 912 pint of lemon juice.  Fold in schopped butter and
strained chups.  Add bablespoon of brown gugar, or whatever color you have.
Mix mell.  Grease oven and turn cake pan to 350 gredees and rake until
poothtick comes out crean.
%
FORTUNE'S PARTY TIPS		#14

Tired of finding that other people are helping themselves to your good
liquor at BYOB parties?  Take along a candle, which you insert and
light after you've opened the bottle.  No one ever expects anything
drinkable to be in a bottle which has a candle stuck in its neck.
%
Glogg (a traditional Scandinavian holiday drink):
	fifth of dry red wine
	fifth of Aquavit
	1 and 1/2 inch piece of cinnamon
	10 cardamom seeds
	1 cup raisins
	4 dried figs
	1 cup blanched or flaked almonds
	a few pieces of dried orange peel
	5 cloves
	1/2 lb. sugar cubes
	Heat up the wine and hard stuff (which may be substituted with wine
for the faint of heart) in a big pot after adding all the other stuff EXCEPT
the sugar cubes.  Just when it reaches boiling, put the sugar in a wire
strainer, moisten it in the hot brew, lift it out and ignite it with a match.
Dip the sugar several times in the liquid until it is all dissolved.  Serve
hot in cups with a few raisins and almonds in each cup.
	N.B. Aquavit may be hard to find and expensive to boot.  Use it only
if you really have a deep-seated desire to be fussy, or if you are of Swedish
extraction.
%
Halley's Comet: It came, we saw, we drank.
%
Harry's bar has a new cocktail.  It's called MRS punch.  They make it with
milk, rum and sugar and it's wonderful.  The milk is for vitality and the
sugar is for pep.  They put in the rum so that people will know what to do
with all that pep and vitality.
%
Having a wonderful wine, wish you were beer.
%
Having wandered helplessly into a blinding snowstorm Sam was greatly
relieved to see a sturdy Saint Bernard dog bounding toward him with
the traditional keg of brandy strapped to his collar.
	"At last," cried Sam, "man's best friend -- and a great big dog, too!"
%
He knew the tavernes well in every toun.
		-- Geoffrey Chaucer
%
He's just like Capistrano, always ready for a few swallows.
%
"Hey!  Who took the cork off my lunch??!"
		-- W. C. Fields
%
HOGAN'S HEROES DRINKING GAME --
	Take a shot every time:

-- Sergeant Schultz says, "I knoooooowww nooooothing!"
-- General Burkhalter or Major Hochstetter intimidate/insult Colonel Klink.
-- Colonel Klink falls for Colonel Hogan's flattery.
-- One of the prisoners sneaks out of camp (one shot for each prisoner to go).
-- Colonel Klink snaps to attention after answering the phone (two shots
	if it's one of our heroes on the other end).
-- One of the Germans is threatened with being sent to the Russian front.
-- Corporal Newkirk calls up a German in his phoney German accent, and
	tricks him (two shots if it's Colonel Klink).
-- Hogan has a romantic interlude with a beautiful girl from the underground.
-- Colonel Klink relates how he's never had an escape from Stalag 13.
-- Sergeant Schultz gives up a secret (two shots if he's bribed with food).
-- The prisoners listen to the Germans' conversation by a hidden transmitter.
-- Sergeant Schultz "captures" one of the prisoners after an escape.
-- Lebeau pronounces "colonel" as "cuh-loh-`nell".
-- Carter builds some kind of device (two shots if it's not explosive).
-- Lebeau wears his apron.
-- Hogan says "We've got no choice" when someone claims that the plan is
	impossible.
		-- The prisoners capture an important German, and sneak him out the tunnel.
%
I can't die until the government finds a safe place to bury my liver.
		-- Phil Harris
%
I distrust a man who says when.  If he's  upon discovering champagne.
%
Come, landlord, fill the flowing bowl until it does run over,
Tonight we will all merry be -- tomorrow we'll get sober.
		-- John Fletcher, "The Bloody Brother", II, 2
%
Don't drink when you drive -- you might hit a bump and spill it.
%
Don't smoke the next cigarette.  Repeat.
%
Drink Canada Dry!  You might not succeed, but it *__is* fun trying.
%
Drinking coffee for instant relaxation?  That's like drinking alcohol for
instant motor skills.
		-- Marc Price
%
Drinking is not a spectator sport.
		-- Jim Brosnan
%
Drinking makes such fools of people, and people are such fools to begin
with, that it's compounding a felony.
		-- Robert Benchley
%
Drunks are rarely amusing unless they know some good songs and lose a
lot a poker.
		-- Karyl Roosevelt
%
Eggnog is a traditional holiday drink invented by the English.  Many
people wonder where the word "eggnog" comes from.  The first syllable
comes from the English word "egg", meaning "egg".  I don't know where
the "nog" comes from.

To make eggnog, you'll need rum, whiskey, wine gin and, if they are in
season, eggs...
%
ELECTRIC JELL-O

2   boxes JELL-O brand gelatin	2 packages Knox brand unflavored gelatin
2   cups fruit (any variety)	2+ cups water
1/2 bottle Everclear brand grain alcohol

Mix JELL-O and Knox gelatin into 2 cups of boiling water.  Stir 'til
	fully dissolved.
Pour hot mixture into a flat pan.  (JELL-O molds won't work.)
Stir in grain alcohol instead of usual cold water.  Remove any congealing
	glops of slime. (Alcohol has an unusual effect on excess JELL-O.)
Pour in fruit to desired taste, and to absorb any excess alcohol.
Mix in some cold water to dilute the alcohol and make it easier to eat for
	the faint of heart.
Refrigerate overnight to allow mixture to fully harden. (About 8-12 hours.)
Cut into squares and enjoy!

WARNING:
	Keep ingredients away from open flame.  Not recommended for
	children under eight years of age.
%
Every morning is a Smirnoff morning.
%
Excellent day for drinking heavily.  Spike the office water cooler.
%
	Festivity Level 1: Your guests are chatting amiably with each
other, admiring your Christmas-tree ornaments, singing carols around
the upright piano, sipping at their drinks and nibbling hors d'oeuvres.

	Festivity Level 2: Your guests are talking loudly -- sometimes
to each other, and sometimes to nobody at all, rearranging your
Christmas-tree ornaments, singing "I Gotta Be Me" around the upright
piano, gulping their drinks and wolfing down hors d'oeuvres.

	Festivity Level 3: Your guests are arguing violently with
inanimate objects, singing "I can't get no satisfaction," gulping down
other peoples' drinks, wolfing down Christmas tree ornaments and
placing hors d'oeuvres in the upright piano to see what happens when
the little hammers strike.

	Festivity Level 4: Your guests, hors d'oeuvres smeared all over
their naked bodies are performing a ritual dance around the burning
Christmas tree.  The piano is missing.

	You want to keep your party somewhere around level 3, unless
you rent your home and own Firearms, in which case you can go to level
4.  The best way to get to level 3 is egg-nog.
%
Fishing, with me, has always been an excuse to drink in the daytime.
		-- Jimmy Cannon
%
Fortune finishes the great quotations, #17

	"This bud of love, by summer's ripening breath,
	May prove a beauteous flower when next we meet."
	Juliet, this bud's for you.
%
FORTUNE'S FAVORITE RECIPES: #8
	Christmas Rum Cake

1 or 2 quarts rum		1 tbsp. baking powder
1 cup butter			1 tsp. soda
1 tsp. sugar			1 tbsp. lemon juice
2 large eggs			2 cups brown sugar
2 cups dried assorted fruit	3 cups chopped English walnuts

Before you start, sample the rum to check for quality.  Good, isn't it?  Now
select a large mixing bowl, measuring cup, etc.  Check the rum again.  It
must be just right.  Be sure the rum is of the highest quality.  Pour one cup
of rum into a glass and drink it as fast as you can.  Repeat. With an electric
mixer, beat one cup butter in a large fluffy bowl.  Add 1 seaspoon of tugar
and beat again.  Meanwhile, make sure the rum teh absolutely highest quality.
Sample another cup.  Open second quart as necessary.  Add 2 orge laggs, 2 cups
of fried druit and beat untill high.  If the fried druit gets stuck in the
beaters, just pry it loose with a screwdriver.  Sample the rum again, checking
for toncisticity.  Next sift 3 cups of baking powder, a pinch of rum, a
seaspoon of toda and a cup of pepper or salt (it really doesn't matter).
Sample some more.  Sift 912 pint of lemon juice.  Fold in schopped butter and
strained chups.  Add bablespoon of brown gugar, or whatever color you have.
Mix mell.  Grease oven and turn cake pan to 350 gredees and rake until
poothtick comes out crean.
%
FORTUNE'S PARTY TIPS		#14

Tired of finding that other people are helping themselves to your good
liquor at BYOB parties?  Take along a candle, which you insert and
light after you've opened the bottle.  No one ever expects anything
drinkable to be in a bottle which has a candle stuck in its neck.
%
Glogg (a traditional Scandinavian holiday drink):
	fifth of dry red wine
	fifth of Aquavit
	1 and 1/2 inch piece of cinnamon
	10 cardamom seeds
	1 cup raisins
	4 dried figs
	1 cup blanched or flaked almonds
	a few pieces of dried orange peel
	5 cloves
	1/2 lb. sugar cubes
	Heat up the wine and hard stuff (which may be substituted with wine
for the faint of heart) in a big pot after adding all the other stuff EXCEPT
the sugar cubes.  Just when it reaches boiling, put the sugar in a wire
strainer, moisten it in the hot brew, lift it out and ignite it with a match.
Dip the sugar several times in the liquid until it is all dissolved.  Serve
hot in cups with a few raisins and almonds in each cup.
	N.B. Aquavit may be hard to find and expensive to boot.  Use it only
if you really have a deep-seated desire to be fussy, or if you are of Swedish
extraction.
%
Halley's Comet: It came, we saw, we drank.
%
Harry's bar has a new cocktail.  It's called MRS punch.  They make it with
milk, rum and sugar and it's wonderful.  The milk is for vitality and the
sugar is for pep.  They put in the rum so that people will know what to do
with all that pep and vitality.
%
Having a wonderful wine, wish you were beer.
%
Having wandered helplessly into a blinding snowstorm Sam was greatly
relieved to see a sturdy Saint Bernard dog bounding toward him with
the traditional keg of brandy strapped to his collar.
	"At last," cried Sam, "man's best friend -- and a great big dog, too!"
%
He knew the tavernes well in every toun.
		-- Geoffrey Chaucer
%
He's just like Capistrano, always ready for a few swallows.
%
"Hey!  Who took the cork off my lunch??!"
		-- W. C. Fields
%
HOGAN'S HEROES DRINKING GAME --
	Take a shot every time:

-- Sergeant Schultz says, "I knoooooowww nooooothing!"
-- General Burkhalter or Major Hochstetter intimidate/insult Colonel Klink.
-- Colonel Klink falls for Colonel Hogan's flattery.
-- One of the prisoners sneaks out of camp (one shot for each prisoner to go).
-- Colonel Klink snaps to attention after answering the phone (two shots
	if it's one of our heroes on the other end).
-- One of the Germans is threatened with being sent to the Russian front.
-- Corporal Newkirk calls up a German in his phoney German accent, and
	tricks him (two shots if it's Colonel Klink).
-- Hogan has a romantic interlude with a beautiful girl from the underground.
-- Colonel Klink relates how he's never had an escape from Stalag 13.
-- Sergeant Schultz gives up a secret (two shots if he's bribed with food).
-- The prisoners listen to the Germans' conversation by a hidden transmitter.
-- Sergeant Schultz "captures" one of the prisoners after an escape.
-- Lebeau pronounces "colonel" as "cuh-loh-`nell".
-- Carter builds some kind of device (two shots if it's not explosive).
-- Lebeau wears his apron.
-- Hogan says "We've got no choice" when someone claims that the plan is
	impossible.
		-- The prisoners capture an important German, and sneak him out the tunnel.
%
I can't die until the government finds a safe place to bury my liver.
		-- Phil Harris
%
I distrust a man who says when.  If he's  upon discovering champagne.
%
Come, landlord, fill the flowing bowl until it does run over,
Tonight we will all merry be -- tomorrow we'll get sober.
		-- John Fletcher, "The Bloody Brother", II, 2
%
Don't drink when you drive -- you might hit a bump and spill it.
%
Don't smoke the next cigarette.  Repeat.
%
Drink Canada Dry!  You might not succeed, but it *__is* fun trying.
%
Drinking coffee for instant relaxation?  That's like drinking alcohol for
instant motor skills.
		-- Marc Price
%
Drinking is not a spectator sport.
		-- Jim Brosnan
%
Drinking makes such fools of people, and people are such fools to begin
with, that it's compounding a felony.
		-- Robert Benchley
%
Drunks are rarely amusing unless they know some good songs and lose a
lot a poker.
		-- Karyl Roosevelt
%
Eggnog is a traditional holiday drink invented by the English.  Many
people wonder where the word "eggnog" comes from.  The first syllable
comes from the English word "egg", meaning "egg".  I don't know where
the "nog" comes from.

To make eggnog, you'll need rum, whiskey, wine gin and, if they are in
season, eggs...
%
ELECTRIC JELL-O

2   boxes JELL-O brand gelatin	2 packages Knox brand unflavored gelatin
2   cups fruit (any variety)	2+ cups water
1/2 bottle Everclear brand grain alcohol

Mix JELL-O and Knox gelatin into 2 cups of boiling water.  Stir 'til
	fully dissolved.
Pour hot mixture into a flat pan.  (JELL-O molds won't work.)
Stir in grain alcohol instead of usual cold water.  Remove any congealing
	glops of slime. (Alcohol has an unusual effect on excess JELL-O.)
Pour in fruit to desired taste, and to absorb any excess alcohol.
Mix in some cold water to dilute the alcohol and make it easier to eat for
	the faint of heart.
Refrigerate overnight to allow mixture to fully harden. (About 8-12 hours.)
Cut into squares and enjoy!

WARNING:
	Keep ingredients away from open flame.  Not recommended for
	children under eight years of age.
%
Every morning is a Smirnoff morning.
%
Excellent day for drinking heavily.  Spike the office water cooler.
%
	Festivity Level 1: Your guests are chatting amiably with each
other, admiring your Christmas-tree ornaments, singing carols around
the upright piano, sipping at their drinks and nibbling hors d'oeuvres.

	Festivity Level 2: Your guests are talking loudly -- sometimes
to each other, and sometimes to nobody at all, rearranging your
Christmas-tree ornaments, singing "I Gotta Be Me" around the upright
piano, gulping their drinks and wolfing down hors d'oeuvres.

	Festivity Level 3: Your guests are arguing violently with
inanimate objects, singing "I can't get no satisfaction," gulping down
other peoples' drinks, wolfing down Christmas tree ornaments and
placing hors d'oeuvres in the upright piano to see what happens when
the little hammers strike.

	Festivity Level 4: Your guests, hors d'oeuvres smeared all over
their naked bodies are performing a ritual dance around the burning
Christmas tree.  The piano is missing.

	You want to 