(10) Not everybody looks good naked.
 (9) Joe Garagiola was a hell of an emcee.
 (8) Joe Cocker really should stick with decaffeinated coffee.
 (7) Fringe!  Fringe!  Fringe!
 (6) If you've got 72 hours to kill, you can probably find room for Sha Na Na.
 (5) Never attend an event with a 50,000 to 1 person to Port-A-San ratio.
 (4) Bellbottoms will never go out of style.
 (3) A drum solo cannot be too long.
 (2) I, David Letterman, will never rent out my farm again.
 (1) We are stardust.  We are golden.  We are going to look really stupid to
	future generations.
		-- David Letterman, Top Ten Lessons of Woodstock
%
A bar patron returned from the men's room grumbling to himself.
	"What's the trouble, buddy?" the bartender inquired.
	"You got John Wayne toilet paper in there!"
	"What do you mean?" the barkeeper asked.
	"It's rough, it's tough, and it doesn't take shit from nobody."
%
A bear and a rabbit are taking a crap in the woods.  The bear looks
over at the rabbit and asks, "Say, does shit ever stick to your fur?"
	"No."
So the bear wiped his ass with the rabbit.
%
A grade school teacher, who was doing a unit on World War II heard that
the father of one of her students had been a fighter pilot during the war
with one of the Scandinavian Air Forces.  She invited him to come in and
speak to the class.  The guy was more than happy to talk, and began with
a story about a morning patrol where he had been nearly shot down.
	"We had been up for about 20 minutes flying over enemy held
territory, when we noticed, just in time, 3 fokkers diving on us from above."
At the first mention of `fokkers' the class giggled a little bit.
	"Our group broke formation, and began the dog-fighting.  As we
fought, we noticed 2 more fokkers coming at us from above and 2 more
fokkers, fresh from the landing field, come to join the battle".
At this second and third mention of `fokkers' the class was almost laughing
openly, and the teacher interrupted the story to ask the pilot to explain
to the class that a 'fokker' was a particular type of plane flown by the
German Air Force.
	He replied, "Ya, dat is true, but these fokkers were Messerschmidts".
%
	A man came home from work and as he entered the house he yelled,
"Hi, honey, I'm home."
	There was no response.  He walked through the house and saw a note
on the refrigerator. It read "I'm out with the girls and I'll be home about
8.  Either fix yourself something to eat, or wait for me and we'll eat when
I get home."
	Well, he decided to wait until his wife returned.  However, his
stomach started to growl and he remembered that he had an apple left over
from his lunch.  He got the apple, polished it a little, and heard the
doorbell ring.  He went to the door and there stood a little blond haired
girl holding out a little paper bag.  "Trick or treat", she said.
	He looked at the girl, looked at the apple, thought how hungry he
was, looked at the girl again, and with a slight sigh dropped his apple in
the bag.  The little girl looked down in the bag, looked up again, and
complained, "You stupid son-of-a-bitch.  You broke my cookies!"
%
A nuclear family is out golfing one day, when it becomes clear that Dad isn't
going to win any trophies, at least on this course.  On the 3rd hole, after
two miserable bogies, he misses a two foot putt and exclaims, "Shit!"
	His wife glances over at their sixteen year old daughter and says
nothing.
	On the fourth hole Dad tees off with an incredible hook, and, after
the inevitable exclamation, his wife reproves him with "Honey!"
	This continues on, with his golfing getting worse and his wife getting
more and more upset about his language.  Finally, on the 17th hole, he again
misses a very easy putt.  Flinging his club down, he curses the hole, the
club, and the sunset, using the word "fuck" for the first time.  His wife
whirls around and cries, "Honey!  Our daughter is standing right next to you!"
	Feeling remorseful, but somewhat defensive, he turns to the
daughter and says, "Well, Cindy, you've heard that word before, haven't
you?"
	"Yes," the daughter replies, "but never in anger."
%
A retired schoolteacher finally decided that she was tired of living alone
and wanted some companionship, so after a good deal of thought she decided
to visit the local pet shop.  The owner suggested a parrot, with which she
could conduct a civilized conversation.  This seemed to be an excellent
idea, so she bought a handsome parrot, sat him on a perch in her living room,
and said, "Say 'Pretty boy.'"  Silence from the bird.  "Come on now, say
'Pretty boy ... pretty boy.'"
	At long last, disgustedly, the bird said, "Oh, shit."
	Shocked, the schoolteacher said, "Just for that, you get five minutes
in the refrigerator."  Five minutes later she put the shivering bird back on
its perch and said, "Now let's hear it: 'Pretty boy ... pretty boy.'"
	"Damn it, wouldja lay off, lady?" said the parrot.
	Outraged, the woman grabbed the bird, said, "That's it!  Ten minutes
in the freezer," and slammed the door on him.
	Hopping about to keep warm, what does the parrot come across but a
big frozen turkey waiting for Thanksgiving.  Startled, he squawks, "My God,
you must have told the bitch to go fuck herself!"
%
A vacuum is a hell of a lot better than some of the stuff that nature
replaces it with.
		-- Tennessee Williams
%
A young New York housewife was shocked by some of the language used by her
daughter.  When asked about it, the daughter said she had learned it from
a small girl she played with in the park.  The next day, the mother sought
out the little girl as she played in the park.  "Are you the little girl
who uses bad words?"
	"Who told you?"
	"A little bird," answered the mother.
	"Well, I like that!" exclaimed the small girl.  "And I've been
feeding the little bastards, too!"
%
After making a daring escape from the penitentiary, the convict eluded
bloodhounds and police roadblocks and dodged helicopter searchlights on
his way to see his wife.  Finally sneaking in the back entrance, he knocked
on the door and smiled triumphantly as she opened it.  "Where the hell have
you been?" she blared.  "You busted out more than six hours ago!"
%
As near as I can tell, you're not any crazier than the average asshole
on the street.
		-- R.P. McMurphy, "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest"
%
As they say about Dungeons and Dragons, "Life's a die, and then you bitch."
%
Ask your boss to reconsider --

It's so difficult to take "Go to hell" for an answer.
%
	At his sentencing, Herbie Sperling proved that he was the all-time
stand-up guy.
	Sperling's lawyer made a lengthy, impassioned plea for his client.
He talked of mercy, justice, humanity to fellow men who have chosen the wrong
path.  Yes, the crimes were serious, yes, Mr. Sperling deserves a prison
sentence, but the maximum sentence was not warranted.
	Then the judge turned to Sperling.  "Mr. Sperling, is there anything
you wish to say?"
	"Yes, Your Honor.  If you think I'm going to beg for mercy, you've
got another think coming.  You're all a bunch of fucking fascist cocksuckers,
you can all go to hell, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you..."
		-- Gregory Wallace, "Papa's Game"
%
Been through hell?

What did you bring back for me?
%
Better a sister in a whorehouse than a brother on a Honda.
%
Blow it out your ass!
%
Call things by their right names...  Glass of brandy and water!  That is the
current but not the appropriate name: ask for a glass of fire and distilled
damnation.
		-- Robert Hall, in Olinthus Gregory's, "Brief Memoir of the
		   Life of Hall"

	[Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
	 referring to logical names.]
%
Churchill was known to drain a glass or two and, after one
particularly convivial evening, he chanced to encounter Miss Bessie Braddock,
a Socialist member of the House of Commons, who, upon seeing his condition,
said, "Winston, you're drunk."  Mustering all his dignity, Churchill drew
himself up to his full height, cocked an eyebrow and rejoined, "Shove it up
your ass, you ugly cunt."
	When the noted playwright George Bernard Shaw sent him two tickets to
the opening night of his new play with a note that read: "Bring a friend, if
you have one," Churchill, not to be outdone, promptly wired back: "You and
your play can go fuck yourselves."
	At an elegant dinner party, Lady Astor once leaned across the table
to remark, "If you were my husband, Winston, I'd poison your coffee."  "And
if you were my wife, I'd beat the shit out of you," came Churchill's
unhesitating retort.
		-- "The Churchill Wit", National Lampoon
%
Confucius say too damn much!
%
"Daddy?"

"Yes son."

"Wha-wha-wha-what does regret mean?"

"Well, son, a funny thing about regret is that it's better to regret
something you have done, than to regret something you haven't done.  And
by the way, if you see your Mom this weekend, would be you sure and tell
her, `SATAN, SATAN, SATAN!!!'"
		-- Butthole Surfers, "Sweat Loaf"
%
"Dammit, man, that's unprofessional!  A good bartender laughs anyway!"
%
Damn braces.
		-- William Blake, "Proverbs of Hell"
%
DAMN IT, I GOTTA GET OUTTA HERE!
%
Damn, I need a Coke!
		-- Dr. William DeVries
		[after implanting the first artificial human heart]
%
"Don't come back until you have him", the Tick-Tock Man said quietly,
sincerely, extremely dangerously.

They used dogs.  They used probes.  They used cardio plate crossoffs.
They used teepers.  They used bribery.  They used stick tites.  They used
intimidation.  They used torment.  They used torture.  They used finks.
They used cops.  They used search and seizure.  They used fallaron.  They
used betterment incentives.  They used finger prints.  They used the
bertillion system.  They used cunning.  They used guile.  They used treachery.
They used Raoul-Mitgong but he wasn't much help.  They used applied physics.
They used techniques of criminology.  And what the hell, they caught him.
		-- Harlan Ellison, "Repent, Harlequin, said the Tick-Tock Man"
%
Don't just eat a hamburger; eat the HELL out of it.
		-- J.R. "Bob" Dobbs
%
DROP THE DAMN BEAR!!!
		-- The Adventurer
%
During the darkest days of World War II, when each night brought waves of
Luftwaffe bombers raining death and destruction on a near-defenseless London,
Prime Minister Churchill went on the air to address the British people.  "I
read this morning's paper that Herr Hitler plans to wring England's neck like
that of a chicken," he began, "and I was reminded of what the Irish poacher
said as he stood on the gallows.  It seems the poor fellow was approached by a
well-meaning if somewhat overzealous priest who, in horrific detail, described
the unfading torments of Hades which awaited him if he did not repent of his
misdeeds. The condemned man listened patiently to all that the priest had to
say, and when he was done, grinned broadly and replied, 'Eat it raw, fuzz
nuts.'"
		-- "The Churchill Wit", National Lampoon
%
Early to bed and early to rise makes a man a helluva big nuisance.
%
Eat shit and die a virgin!
%
Egotism is the anesthetic given by a kindly nature to relieve the pain
of being a damned fool.
		-- Bellamy Brooks
%
Every morning, the crowd on Coney Island beach was startled to see 
a jogger with the build of a pro football player but a head the size of a 
baseball.  Finally, some brave young man got up the nerve to stop him and
ask, "What happened to give you such a small head?"
	The jogger sadly told the story of finding a magic lamp on the beach, 
which produced a beautiful genie when rubbed.  The genie said, "I now give
you one wish.  Do you want a quick fuck or a little head?"
%
Fie for shame, you lascivious, lewd, lecherous, libidinous, lustful,
licentious, dirty bum!!
%
Fig Newton.
%
Folks, what can I tell you about my next guest.  This cat allowed himself
to be adored, but not loved. And his success in show business was matched
by failure in his personal relationship bag, now that's where he really
bombed.  And he came to believe that work, show business, love, his whole
life, even himself and all that jazz was bullshit.  He became numero uno
gameplayer.  Uh, to the point where he didn't know where the games ended
and the reality began.  Like to this cat, the only reality... is death, man.
Ladies and gentlemen, let me lay on you, a so-so entertainer, not much of
a humanitarian, and this cat was never nobody's friend.  In his final
appearance on the great stage of life, uh, you can applaud if you want to,
Mr. Joe Gideon!!
		-- All That Jazz
%
Fuck art; let's dance!
%
Fuck off and die!
%
Fuck you and anybody who looks like you.
%
Fuck'em if they can't take a joke!
%
GET OFF THE FUCKING SYSTEM THIS INSTANT, YOU ASSHOLE!!!!
%
Get your bytes from our backend!
		-- Britton Lee
%
Getting an education at the University of California is like having
$50.00 shoved up your ass, a nickel at a time.
%
Give me the Luxuries, and the Hell with the Necessities!
%
Grain grows best in shit.
		-- Ursula K. LeGuin
%
Gravity is a myth, the Earth sucks.
%
Gravity is an unforgiving motherfucker.
%
Hardly a pure science, history is closer to animal husbandry than it is to
mathematics, in that it involves selective breeding.  The principal difference
between the husbandryman and the historian is that the former breeds sheep
or cows or such, and the latter breeds (assumed) facts.  The husbandryman uses
his skills to enrich the future; the historian uses his to enrich the past.
Both are usually up to their ankles in bullshit.
		-- Tom Robbins
%
Have you ever met a man of good character where women are concerned?

Well, I haven't.  I find that whenever a woman becomes friends with me,
she becomes jealous, exacting, suspicious, and a damn nuisance; and
whenever I become friends with a woman, I become selfish and tyrannical.
So here I am, Pickering, a confirmed old bachelor and very likely to
remain so.
		-- Henry Higgins, "My Fair Lady"
%
Have you ever wondered what makes Californians so calm?  Besides drugs, I
mean.  The answer is hot tubs.  A hot tub is a redwood container filled with
water that you sit in naked with members of the opposite sex, none of whom
is necessarily your spouse.  After a few hours in their hot tubs,
Californians don't give a damn about earthquakes or mass murderers.  They
don't give a damn about anything , which is why they are able to produce
"Laverne and Shirley" week after week.
		-- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
%
He who hesitates is a damned fool.
		-- Mae West
%
He who trains his tongue to quote the learned  sages, will be known far
and wide as a smart ass.
		-- Howard Kandel
%
"He's not pining, he's passed on!  This parrot won't squawk!  He's
ceased to be!  He's expired, and gone to meet his maker!  It's a
stiff!  No breath of life, he may rest in peace!  If you hadn't nailed
him to the perch, he'd be pushing up the daisies!  He's off the twig!
He's kicked the bucket!  He's curled up his tooties!  He's shuffled off
this mortal world!  He's run down the curtain, and joined the bleed'n
Choir Invincible!  HE'S FUCKING SNUFFED IT!  Vis-a-vi his metabolic
processes is head is lost.  All statements concerning this parrot is no
longer a going concern, after from now on, Inoperative...

		THIS IS AN EX-PARROT!!
%
Hell's broken loose.
		-- Robert Greene
%
Hell, if you don't try to remake someone, how are they supposed to know
you care?
%
Here is the problem: for many years, the Supreme Court wrestled with the issue
of pornography, until finally Associate Justice John Paul Stevens came up with
the famous quotation about how he couldn't define pornography, but he knew it
when he saw it.  So for a while, the court's policy was to have all the
suspected pornography trucked to Justice Stevens' house, where he would look it
over.  "Nope, this isn't it," he'd say.  "Bring some more."  This went on until
one morning when his housekeeper found him trapped in the recreation room under
an enormous mound of rubberized implements, and the court had to issue a ruling
stating that it didn't know what the hell pornography was except that it was
illegal and everybody should stop badgering the court about it because the
court was going to take a nap. 
		-- Dave Barry, "Pornography"
%
Horsecrap, little brother.  There's always something more to be done.
Another palm to be greased.  Another back to be scratched.  Another
weak sister to be shored up.
		-- J.R. Ewing
%
Howard Cosell's biggest protrusion is his asshole.
		-- John Valby
%
I am fairly unrepentant about her poetry.  I really think that three quarters
of it is gibberish.  However, I must crush down these thoughts otherwise the
dove of peace will shit on me.
		-- Noel Coward on Edith Sitwell
%
I came; I saw; I fucked up.
%
I can't quite put my finger on it, but something about you pisses me off.
		-- Peter Knight
%
	I disapprove of the F-word, not because it's dirty, but because we
use it as a substitute for thoughtful insults, and it frequently leads to
violence.  What we ought to do, when we anger each other, say, in traffic,
is exchange phone numbers, so that later on, when we've had time to think
of witty and learned insults or look them up in the library, we could call
each other up:
     You: Hello?  Bob?
     Bob: Yes?
     You: This is Ed.  Remember?  The person whose parking space you
          took last Thursday?  Outside of Sears?
     Bob: Oh yes!  Sure!  How are you, Ed?
     You: Fine, thanks.  Listen, Bob, the reason I'm calling is:
	  "Madam, you may be drunk, but I am ugly, and ..."  No, wait.
	  I mean:  "you may be ugly, but I am Winston Churchill
	  and ..."  No, wait.  (Sound of reference book thudding onto
	  the floor.)  S-word.  Excuse me.  Look, Bob, I'm going to
	  have to get back to you.
     Bob: Fine.
		-- Dave Barry, "$#$%#^%!^%&@%@!"
%
I don't know why women get so upset, they have half the money and all the pussy.
		-- Gary Bussy, "DC Cab"
%
I don't love you, asshole, I love your daughter.
		-- The Undergraduate
%
"I had to censor everything my sons watched ... even on the Mary Tyler
Moore show I heard the word 'damn'!"
		-- Mary Lou Bax
%
I love this fucking University, and this University loves fucking me.
%
I played over the music of that scoundrel Brahms.  What a giftless
bastard!  It annoys me that this self-inflated mediocrity is hailed
as a genius.  Why, in comparison with him, Riff is a genius.
		-- Tchaikovsky, October 9, 1886, diary entry
%
I think we can all agree that there is not enough common courtesy shown ...
HEY!  PAY ATTENTION WHEN I'M TALKING TO YOU DAMMIT!  I said I think we can
all agree that there is not enough common courtesy shown today. When we take
the time to be courteous to each other, we find that we are happier and less
likely to engage in nuclear war.  This point was driven home by the recent
summit talks, where Nancy Reagan and Raisa Gorbachev, each of whose husband
thinks the other's husband is vermin, were able to sit down at a high-level
tea and engage in courteous conversation ...
		-- Dave Barry, "The Stuff of Etiquette"
%
I wouldn't mind dying --

it's that business of having to stay dead that scares the shit out of me.
		-- R. Geis
%
I'd rather be led to hell than managed to heavan.
%
I'm sorry I'm late folks, I just got out of jail.  I tried to change my
girlfriend's name.  Yeah, I went down to the hall of records.  I said, "I'd
like to change it... I'd like to change it to... LYING LITTLE BITCH!"
		-- Sam Kinison
%
I've been watching you closely to see if you have been good this year;
and since you have, I will be telling my elves to make some goodies for me
to leave under your tree on Christmas.  I was going to bring you all the
gifts from the twelve days of Christmas, but we had a little problem up here.
The twelve fiddlers fiddling have all come down with V.D. from fiddling with
the ten ladies dancing, the eleven lords-a-leaping have knocked up the eight
maids-a-milking, and the nine pipers piping have been arrested for doing
weird things to the seven swans-a-swimming and the six geese-a-laying.  The
four calling birds, three French hens, two turtle doves, and the partridge
in the pear tree have me up to my ass in birdshit.  On top of all this, Mrs.
Claus is going through menopause, eight of my reindeer are in heat, the elves
have joined gay liberation, and those dumb ass Polacks have scheduled
Christmas for the fifth of February.  I'll do what I can.
		Sincerely,
		Santa
%
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again.  Then quit.  No use being a
damn fool about it.
		-- W.C. Fields

[Also attributed to Roy Mengot.  Ed.]
%
If it's not one thing, it's a mother.
%
If life's a piece of shit, Calculus III is the spoon.
%
If today is the first day of the rest of your life, what the hell was yesterday?
%
If you don't ride a camel to work, you ain't Sheeite.
%
	If you work for a man, in heaven's name, work for him.
	If he pays you wages which supply you bread and butter, work for him;
speak well of him; stand by him, and by the institution he represents.
	If put to a pinch, an ounce of loyalty is worth a pound of cleverness.
	If you must vilify, condemn and eternally find disparage -- resign your
position, and when you are outside, damn to your heart's content... but, as
long as you are part of the institution do not condemn it.
	If you do that, you are loosening the tendrils that are holding you to
the institution, and at the first high wind that comes along, you will
be uprooted and blown away, and probably will never know the reason why.
%
If you're going to break up with your old lady and you live in a small
town, make sure you don't break up at three in the morning.  Because you're
screwed -- there's nothing to do ... So make it about nine in the morning,
... bullshit around, worry her a little, then come back at seven in the
night.
		-- Lenny Bruce
%
In the beginning was the DEMO Project.  And the Project was without form.
And darkness was upon the staff members thereof.  So they spake unto
their Division Head, saying, "It is a crock of shit, and it stinks."

And the Division Head spake unto his Department Head, saying,
"It is a crock of excrement and none may abide the odor thereof."
Now, the Department Head spake unto his Directorate Head, saying,
"It is a container of excrement, and is very strong, such that none
may abide before it."  And it came to pass that the Directorate Head
spake unto the Assistant Technical Director, saying, "It is a vessel
of fertilizer and none may abide by its strength."

And the assistant Technical Director spake thus unto the Technical
Director, saying, "It containeth that which aids growth and it is
very strong."  And, Lo, the Technical Director spake then unto the
Captain, saying, "The powerful new Project will help promote the
growth of the Laboratories."

And the Captain looked down upon the Project, and He saw that it was Good!
%
Inspite of all evidence to the contrary, the entire universe is composed of
only two basic substances: magic and bullshit.
%
It is a sad commentary on today's society that this fortune has to be
classified as "offensive" simply because it contains the word "fuck".
%
It may not be funny, but it's damned amusing!
%
It seems there were two young Marines walking down the street, and
they chanced upon a lady who was both very proper and very well endowed.
One of them said, "Wow! What tits!  Hey lady, would I love to snuggle up with
them for awhile.  What are you doing this afternoon?"

Well, the other Marine thought that was just about the most shameful
thing he had ever witnessed, and felt that he had to restore the honor of the
Corps.  "Pardon my friend, Ma'am," he apologized, "He's not been very well
brought up and don't know how to talk to cunt."
%
It used to be a man's world, and the woman's place was in the home.
They can kiss that shit goodbye.
%
It was almost closing time when a male patron who had been getting the
frosty treatment from a girl at the end of the bar called to the
bartender and said, "Give that bitchy douche bag over there one on me."
	"We discourage that sort of language here, sir," the bartender
answered sternly.
	"OK, OK. Serve the lady a cocktail with my compliments."
	The bartender approached the female in question.  "The, uh, gentleman
at the other end of the bar would like to buy you a drink, miss.  What would
you like?"
	"Vinegar and water."
%
It's a bit hard to bullshit the ocean.  It's not listening, you know
what I mean.
		-- David Crosby
%
It's a bitch being butch.
%
It's a damn poor mind that can only think of one way to spell a word.
		-- Andrew Jackson
%
It's better to be pissed off than pissed on.
%
It's so fuckin' great to be alive!
%
Life is a bitch, but the puppies can be cute.
%
Life is a shit sandwich, and every day you get to take another bite.
It's just that some days are TWO BITE days ...
%
Life is having a mother-in-law that sucks and a wife that don't.
		-- Rodney Dangerfield
%
Life is like a cucumber -- 

one moment it's in your hand, the next it's up your ass.
%
Life is like a shit sandwich.

The more bread you have, the less shit you have to eat.
%
Life is not a cabaret.
It's a fucking circus.
%
Life isn't a bitch.  Life is a virgin.  A bitch is easy.
%
Look out for yourself -- or they'll pee on your grave.
		-- Louis B. Mayer

The reason so many people showed up at Louis B. Mayer's funeral was because
they wanted to make sure he was dead.
		-- Samuel Goldwyn
%
Love is a slippery eel that bites like hell.
		-- Matt Groening
%
Many a man has decided to stay alive not because of the will to live, but
because of the determination not to give assorted surviving bastards the
satisfaction of his death.
		-- Brendan Francis
%
	McQuillan was on the stand. The case involved a railroad and several of
the passengers who were injured.
	"You say," thundered the counsel for the railroad, "that you saw
the two trains crash head on while doing sixty miles an hour.  What did you
think when you saw this happen ?"
	I thought," replied the Irishman, "this is one *helluva* way to run
a railroad."
%
Me, I love the rich.  *Somebody* has to love them.  Sure, a lot of rich
people are assholes, but believe me, a lot of poor people are assholes too.
And an asshole with money can at least pay for his own drinks.
		-- Tom Robbins, "Jitterbug Perfume"
%
Megaton Man:	"LOOK at them!  Helpless, tender creatures, relying on
		ME, waiting for ME to make my move!"

(from below):	"Move your ASS, Fat-head!"

Megaton Man:	"It is a MANDATE, and I am DUTY BOUND to OBEY!"
%
Moody bitch in search of...
	kind, considerate, loving man.  Objective, love-hate relationship.
%
Moody bitch with attitude, seeks nice, good-looking guy to dump on.
%
Most people wouldn't know music if it came up and bit them on the ass.
		-- Frank Zappa
%
My advice to the women's clubs of America is to raise more hell and fewer
dahlias.
		-- William Allen White
%
My brother-in-law has found a way to make ends meet.  He goes around
with his head stuck up his ass.
%
Never fly under a seagull - they'll shit on your airplane.
		-- Gordon Cooper
%
	"Never send a MAN to do a WOMAN'S work!  Why do you think I CAME here?"
	"Not for the good of my ego, that was for damn sure."
%
No matter how clever the hardware boys are, the software boys piss it away.
%
Non Illegitimus Carborundum.
	[Don't let the bastards wear you down.]
%
Obscene?  Obscene is young men being trained to drop fire on people, but
their commanders not allowing them to write "fuck" on their airplanes
because it's obscene.
%
Obscenity is the crutch of inarticulate motherfuckers.
%
Old mercenaries never die.  They go to hell and regroup.
%
	On the day of his anniversary, Joe was frantically shopping
around for a present for his wife.  He knew what she wanted, a
grandfather clock for the living room, but he found the right one almost
impossible to find.  Finally, after many hours of searching, Joe found
just the clock he wanted, but the store didn't deliver.  Joe, desperate,
paid the shopkeeper, hoisted the clock onto his back, and staggered out
onto the sidewalk.  On the way home, he passed a bar. Just as he reached
the door, a drunk stumbled out and crashed into Joe, sending himself,
Joe, and the clock into the gutter.  Murphy's law being in effect, the
clock ended up in roughly a thousand pieces.
	"You stupid drunk!" screamed Joe, jumping up from the wreckage.
"Why don't you look where the hell you're going!"
	With quiet dignity the drunk stood up somewhat unsteadily and
dusted himself off.  "And why don't you just wear a wristwatch like a
normal person?"
%
Once upon a time, there was a non-conforming sparrow who decided not to
fly south for the winter.  However, soon after the weather turned cold,
the sparrow changed his mind and reluctantly started to fly south.
After a short time, ice began to form his on his wings and he fell to
earth in a barnyard almost frozen.  A cow passed by and crapped on this
little bird and the sparrow thought it was the end, but the manure
warmed him and defrosted his wings.  Warm and happy the little sparrow
began to sing.  Just then, a large Tom cat came by and hearing the
chirping investigated the sounds.  As Old Tom cleared away the manure,
he found the chirping bird and promptly ate him.

There are three morals to this story:

(1) Everyone who shits on you is not necessarily your enemy.
(2) Everyone who gets you out of shit is not necessarily your friend.
(3) If you are warm and happy in a pile of shit, keep your mouth shut.
%
One day a little polar bear cub says to his mother, "Mommy, am I really
a polar bear?"
	"Why of course you are, honey!" his mother replies.  "You live at
the North Pole and you swim under the ice to catch fish.  You play on the
ice floes and you romp through the snow and chase seals.  Of *course* you're
a polar bear.  Why do you ask?"
	"Because," says the little cub, "I'm fuckin' freezing!"
%
Ours is a world where people don't know what they want and are willing
to go through hell to get it.
%
Pardon me, sir, but you've obviously mistaken me for someone who gives a shit.
%
People who write position papers often find themselves in an
enviable position.  They are hired to write papers for both sides of the
position.
	A good position paper will have many words in it like
"superincumbence," "egress," and "plurification."
	You will not often find the phrase "lightweight dropcase
limp-wristed motherfucker" in a serious position paper.
	Charts and multiplication tables should always be included in
position papers.  They should look complicated enough to make Albert
Einstein stagger across the room for a Tylenol.
	A good position paper will never underestimate the value of a
semicolon.
		-- Dan Jenkins, "Baja Oklahoma"
%
People will swim through shit if you put a few bob in it.
		-- Peter Sellers
%
Psychotherapy is the theory that the patient will probably get well anyhow
and is certainly a damn fool.
		-- H. L. Mencken
%
Shit happens.
%
	Shortly after Churchill had grown a moustache, he was accosted by a
certain young lady whose political views were in direct opposition to his
own.  Fancying herself something of a wag, she exclaimed, "Mr. Churchill, I
care for neither your politics nor your moustache."  Unabashed, the young
statesman regarded her quietly for a moment, the wryly commented, "Suck my
dick."
	While serving as a subaltern in the Boer War, the young Churchill was
asked by a superior officer to give his opinion of the Boers as soldiers.
 "They're assholes, sir," he ventured, then paused briefly and added, with a
whimsical smile, "They're assholes."
	Churchill was given to reading in the bathtub and, while staying at
the White House, he once became so engrossed in an account of the Battle of
Fonteney that he forgot President Roosevelt was due to drop by to discuss the
upcoming conference in Yalta.  At the appointed hour, the President was
wheeled into Churchill's quarters only to be informed that the Prime Minister
had not finished bathing.  Roosevelt was about to apologize for the intrusion
and depart when Churchill, puffing his customary cigar, strode into the room
stark naked and greeted the nonplussed world leader with a terse, "What are
you staring at, homo?"
		-- "The Churchill Wit", National Lampoon
%
Silence can be the biggest lie of all.  We have a responsibility to speak
up; and whenever the occasion calls for it, we have a responsibility to
raise bloody hell.
		-- Herbert Block
%
So you fucked up... you trusted us!
		-- Animal House
%
Some companies idea of playing ball is, you play ball with us,
and we'll stick the fucking bat up your ass.
%
Some of the management around here are the final proof that the Indians
fucked the buffalo.
%
Sometimes, you just gotta say "What the fuck."
		-- Risky Business
%
Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very'; your
editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.
		-- Mark Twain
%
Success has many fathers, but failure is a bastard.
%
Tell you what," the haberdasher said to a persistent job applicant.  "I've
got one suit I can't sell -- that purple, green and yellow number over there.
If you can make that sale, you've not only got the job, you've got it for
life."
	Then the store owner left for lunch.  When he returned, he was shocked
to see the young man's clothes in tatters and his hands and face bleeding.
	"My God, what happened to you?"
	"I sold the suit!  I sold the suit!" the young man shouted, a smile
on his bloodied lips.
	"Congratulations," the haberdasher said.  "You've got the job.  But
what happened?  Did the customer start a fight?"
	"Oh, no," the new salesman replied.  "But his Seeing Eye dog was
*pissed*."
%
The best number for a dinner party is two--myself and a damn good head waiter.
		-- Nubar Gulbenkian
%
The boys in the Epperson family all acquired fine educations except for Edward.
They made him go to school, but most of the time he just ignored what was said
there.  Yet there were rare moments when he could display a bit of curiosity.
	One day Edward was sitting at home looking at a magazine, and he said
to his brilliant older brother, Hud, he said, "Hud, what does fox pass mean?"
	Brother Hud gave the question some deep consideration and then said,
"You must mean _faux_pas_."
	"The way it's spelled," said dumb Ed, "it's fox pass."
	Hud took a look at the way it was spelled and then said, "It's a French
phrase -- it means a social blunder.  Remember last Sunday when the Bishop came
for dinner?  Mother took him out in the garden and they were looking over the
roses when the Bishop got stuck on the thumb by a thorn.  It was bleeding quite
a bit so Mother brought him in the house.  They went into the bathroom together
and stayed quite a while, and when they came out we all went to the dinner
table.  Remember all that, Ed?"
	"Yeh."
	"Now," Hud continued, "you recall that I was just getting to pass
the gravy when Mother said, 'Bishop, does your prick still throb?'  The gravy
bowl flew out of my hands and hit the table, and the gravy splattered all
over everyone.  And just at that point you, Brother Edward, you hollered,
'Sheee-itt!'  You remember that?"
	"Yeh."
	"Well, when you hollered 'Sheee-itt!' that was a _faux_pas_."
%
The difference between graffiti and philosophy is the word "fuck".
%
	The famous Nell Gwynn, stepping one day from a house where she had
made a short visit into her coach, saw a great crowd assembled, and her
footman all bloody and dirty; the fellow being asked by his mistress, the
reason for his being in that condition, answered, "I have been fighting,
madam, with an impudent rascal who called your ladyship a whore."
	"You blockhead," replied Mrs. Gywnn, "at this rate you must fight
every day of your life; why, you fool, all the world knows it."
	"Do they?" cries the fellow, in a muttering voice, after he had shut
the coach door, "they shan't call me a whore's footman for all that."
		-- Henry Fielding, "Tom Jones"
%
The government was contemplating the dispatch of an expedition to Burma,
with a view to taking Rangoon, and a question arose as to who would be the
fittest general to be sent in command of the expedition.  The Cabinet sent
for the Duke of Wellington, and asked his advice.  He instantly replied,
"Send Lord Combermere."
	"But we have always understood that your Grace thought Lord
Combermere a fool."
	"So he is a fool, and a damned fool; but he can take Rangoon."
		-- G.W.E. Russell
%
The higher you climb, the more you show your ass.
		-- Alexander Pope, "The Dunciad"
%
The more crap you put up with, the more crap you're going to get.
%
... the most exquisitely squalid hells known to middle-class man:
freshman English at a Midwestern university.
		-- Tom Wolfe
%
The objective of all dedicated employees should be to thoroughly analyze
all situations, anticipate all problems prior to their occurrence, have
answers for these problems, and move swiftly to solve these problems
when called upon.
	However...
When you are up to your ass in alligators it is difficult to remind
yourself your initial objective was to drain the swamp.
%
The old man had lived all his life in a little house on the Vermont side of the
New Hampshire-Vermont border.  One day, the surveyors came to inform him that
they had just discovered that he lived in New Hampshire, not Vermont.
	"Thank heavens!" was his heartfelt reply.  "I don't think I could have
taken another one of those damned Vermont winters!"
%
The only thing faster than the speed of light is shit flowing downhill.
		-- Mike O'Dell
%
The only way you'll ever hear from me is if you're living in the same hell.
		-- Roy Harper
%
The road to hell is paved with good intentions.  And littered with
sloppy analysis!
%
	THE TEN STAGES OF INTOXICATION

	 (1) WITTY AND CHARMING: This is after one or two drinks.  The tongue
	     is loosened and can yet remain in step with the brain.  In the
	     "witty and charming" state, one is likely to use foreign idioms
	     and phrases such as "au contraire" in place of "Now way, Jose,"
	     or "Bullsheyet".
	 (2) RICH AND POWERFUL: By the third drink, you begin mentioning the
	     little 380 SL you've had your eye on down at the Mercedes place.
	 (3) BENEVOLENT:  You'll buy her a Mercedes, too.  It's only money.
	 (4) JUST ONE MORE AND THEN WE'LL EAT:  Stall tactic.
	 (5) TO HELL WITH DINNER:  Just one more and then we'll eat.
	 (6) PATRIOTIC:  The war stories begin.
	 (7) CRANK UP THE "ENOLA GAY":  "We could have won in Nam, but..."
	 (8) INVISIBLE:  So this is what the Ladies' Room looks like.
	 (9) WITTY AND CHARMING PART II: You know, you don't sweat much for
	     a fat girl.
	(10) BULLETPROOF:  Bull-sheyet, gimme them keys, I can drive.
		-- Lewis Grizzard, "My Daddy Was a Pistol and I'm a Son
		   of a Gun".
%
The time has come for kicking ass and taking names.
%
	The townspeople stood in despair as the fire that had begun in a diner
threatened to spread to adjoining homes.  Just then, a truck filled with
farm workers came speeding down a hill toward the fire.  The crowd moved
back and the truck drove right into the thickest of the flames.  The workers
jumped out and beat at the fire with their coats, miraculously bringing the
blaze under control.
	The city fathers were so grateful for the men's heroism that they
gave each a plaque and $1000.  After the ceremony, newsmen interviewed the
driver and asked him what he was going to do with the money.
	"You can be damned sure the first thing I'm gonna do," he replied,
"is get the brakes fixed on that son-of-a-bitchin' truck!"
%
The world is an 8000 mile in diameter spherical pile of shit.
%
There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies and statistics.
		-- Benjamin Disraeli
%
There are two sides to every divorce: yours and the shithead's.
%
There is always more hell that needs raising.
		-- Lauren Leveut
%
There's a man deeply in debt, see, and he takes the money he has left
and goes to Monte Carlo to try to recoup at the roulette tables.  Won a
little, lost a lot, and was down to his last franc.  Prayed for help.
A voice whispered in his ear: "Le rouge..."   Man looked around; nobody
there.  What the hell -- he puts his last franc on the red, and it won.
The voice immediately said, "Encore le rouge..."  Played red again, and
it won again.  The voice said, "Impair..."  Played odd, and it won.  Voice
said, "Quinze..." so he put all the money on 15, and it won.  This went
on for hours, the voice telling him what to bet, and the man putting all
his money on what the voice said, and winning.  Finally when the voice
spoke, the man protested that he'd won millions of dollars and wanted to
quit.  The voice was inexorable: "Douze..."  The man put the money on 12,
and 11 came up -- he had lost everything -- the voice murmured "Merde!!"
%
There's a tendency today to absolve individuals from moral responsibility and
treat them as victims of social circumstance.  You buy that, you pay with your
soul.  It's not men who limit women, it's not straights who limit gays, it's
not whites who limit blacks.  What limits people is lack of character.  What
limits people is that they don't have the fucking nerve or imagination to star
in their own movie, let alone direct it.
		-- Bernard Mickey Wrangle
%
They ought to make butt-flavored cat food.
		-- Gallagher
%
This guy makes an appointment with a doctor because his hemorrhoids are
really bothering him.  The doctor gives him some suppositories and tells
him to come back in a week for a checkup.  "How's it going?" he asks
the patient a week later.
	"I gotta tell you the truth, Doc," said the man.  "For all the
good these pills did me, I coulda shoved them up my ass."
%
This guy walks into a bank and up to a female bank teller:

Man:	"I want to open a fuckin' savings account."
Teller:	"Excuse me, sir?"
M:	"Listen, bitch, I want to open a fuckin' savings account."
T:	"Sir, I don't have to listen to this abusive language."
M:	"LOOK!  I just want to open a fuckin' savings account."
T:	"Sir, you leave me no choice but to speak to the manager."

The teller walks over and explains the customer's rude behavior to the bank
manager who then accompanies her back to the teller booth.

Mgr:	"Can I help you, sir?"
M:	"I want to open a fuckin' savings account."
Mgr:	"Please, sir, we'll be delighted to help you, but we must request
	that you not use abusive language to our tellers."
M:	"Look. I just won $25 million in the state lottery and I want to
	open a fuckin' savings account!"
Mgr:	"I see.  And has this cunt been giving you any trouble?"
%
This is National Smokers-Are-Shits Week.
%
Today is gonna be one helluva week!
%
Tomorrow never comes!  It's all the same fuckin' day, man!
		-- Janis Joplin
%
	Two little kids, aged six and eight, decide it's time to learn how to
swear. So, the eight-year-old says to the six-year-old, "Okay, you say
`ass' and I'll say `hell'".
	All excited about their plan, they troop downstairs, where their
mother asks them what they'd like for breakfast.
	"Aw, hell," says the eight-year-old, "gimme some Cheerios." His mother
backhands him off the stool, sending him bawling out of the room, and
turns to the younger brother.  "What'll you have?"
	"I dunno," quavers the six-year-old, "but you can bet your ass it
ain't gonna be Cheerios."
%
Two morticians alternated in sharing the responsibility of covering 
the night shift. One early morning about 3:00 am, a body was brought into the 
mortuary, and the mortician began work.  When he had unclothed the corpse, he 
noticed a cork in the anus. Removing it, the strains of "Hello, Dolly, well, 
hello, Dolly...!" were plainly heard being sung.  He put the cork back, and 
the singing stopped. Pulling it out again, the same song started, "You're 
lookin' swell, Dolly!".  Amazed, he telephoned his partner, and insisted he 
come immediately to see something very unusual. Roused from sleep, the partner
asked if it could wait until morning. It took great persistence, but finally 
the partner agreed to dress and come down to the shop.  When he got there, he 
said, "Now what was it that was so important you had to get me out of bed at 
this ungodly hour?" 
	The man said, "Come into the embalming room."
	They go into the embalming room, and the first partner says, "Now 
watch."
	He pulls out the cork, and the anus takes off singing again. The
partner looks at him disgustedly and says:  "You brought me down here at
three in the morning just to hear some asshole sing Hello Dolly"?
%
VYARZERZOMANIMORORSEZASSEZANSERAREORSES?
%
"Water?  Never touch the stuff!  Fish fuck in it."
		-- W. C. Fields
%
We aren't what we eat.  We are what we don't shit.
		-- Hugh Romney
%
We call our dog Egypt, because in every room he leaves a pyramid.
%
We came, we saw, we kicked its ass!
		-- Bill Murray, "Ghostbusters"
%
We must remember the First Amendment which protects any shrill jackass
no matter how self-seeking.
		-- F. G. Withington
%
Well, now that SUN's in bed with AT&T, I sure hope she sleeps with her
back to the wall.
		-- Guy Harris, on AT&T buying 20% of SUN Microsystems

Eat shit and die.  Strong memo to follow.
		-- Mike O'Dell, on AT&T buying 20% of SUN Microsystems
%
	Well, there was this tiger, who woke up one morning, and just felt
great (yes, just like Tony the Tiger: GREAAAAAAT).  Anyway, he just felt
so good, he went out and cornered a small monkey and roared at him: "WHO IS
THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?"
	And this poor quaking little monkey replied: "You are of course, no
one is mightier than you."
	A little while later this tiger confronts a deer, and just bellows out:
"WHO IS THE GREATEST AND STRONGEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?"
	The deer is shaking so hard it can barely speak, but manages to
stammer: "Oh great tiger, you are by far the mightiest animal in the jungle."
	The tiger, being on a roll, swaggered, up to an elephant that was
quietly munching on some weeds, and roared at the top of his voice: "WHO IS
THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE ANIMALS IN THE JUNGLE?"
	Well, this elephant grabs the tiger with his trunk, picks him up, slams
him down; picks him up again, and shakes him until the tiger is just a blur of
orange and black; and finally throws him violently into a nearby tree.
	The tiger staggers to his feet, looks at the elephant and says: "Man,
you don't have to get so pissed, just because you don't know the answer!"
%
Well, this woman went to the butcher shop to get some ham for dinner.
She asked the butcher what kind of ham he recommended, and the butcher said,
"Well ma'am, we got some Damn ham here for $3.50 a pound..."  Needless to
say, she was surprised at the butcher's language!  The butcher, who was
reasonably astute, noticed the alarmed look on the woman's face, and quickly
justified himself.  "No, no, ma'am, I wasn't cursin', the NAME of this here
ham is "Damn ham".  Amused, the woman requested some "Damn ham."
	That night, before dinner, the woman took her husband aside and
explained what had happened at the butcher shop.  He also was amused, and
suggested that they play a joke on their son.  So, at dinner, after grace,
the man turned to his wife and said, "Honey, pass the damn ham."
	Their son looked up, surprised.  "WHOAH!  Dad be gettin' hip!
How 'bout them mother-fuckin' potatoes?"
%
What the fuck, over?
%
What the hell, go ahead and put all your eggs in one basket.
%
When the shit hits the fan, keep your mouth shut!
%
Where the hell is Wall Drug?
%
Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?
		-- Harry Warner, Warner Bros. Pictures, c. 1927
%
Who took the MMMMMM out of MURINE?
%
Why doesn't everybody leave everybody else the hell alone?
		-- Jimmy Durante
%
Winning isn't everything, but losing really sucks.
%
Winter is nature's way of saying, "Up yours."
		-- Robert Byrne
%
Work like hell, tell everyone everything you know, close a deal with
a handshake, and have fun.
		-- Harold "Doc" Edgerton, summing up his life's philosophy,
		   shortly before dying at the age of 86.
%
Would you mind terribly much if I asked you to take your silly-assed
problem down the hall?
%
Yesterday is a memory,
	Tomorrow is a vision,
		Today is a bitch!
%
You are without a doubt a rogue, a rascal, a villain, a thief, a scoundrel,
and a mean, dirty, stinking, sniveling, sneaking, pimping, pocketpicking,
thrice double-damned, no-good son-of-a-bitch.
%
You can find sympathy, in the dictionary, right near shit and suicide.
%
You can lead a whore to Vasser, but you can't make her think.
		-- Frederick B. Artz
%
You have been bitchy since Tuesday and you'll probably get fired today.
%
You have to be a bastard to make it, and that's a fact.  And the Beatles
are the biggest bastards on earth.
		-- John Lennon
%
"You have to regard everything I say with suspicion -- I may be trying
to bullshit you, or I may just be bullshitting you inadvertently."
		-- J. Wainwright, Mathematics 140b
%
You may not be able to judge a book by its cover, but you sure as hell can
tell how much it's going to cost.
%
You see that fucking fish?  If he'd kept his mouth shut, he wouldn'ta got
caught.
		-- Sam Giancana
%
You should be a hemorrhoid, you're such a pain in the ass.
%
