AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18)
	A friend will step forward and confide in you about your breath.  Rely
	on your outgoing personality and winning smile to get you into a lot
	of trouble.  Be relaxed, things will change.  Look for a pink slip on
	payday.  Stop wetting your bed.
%
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18)
	You are the type of person who never has enough money to do what
	you want.  Don't expect things to get any better today, either.
	As a matter of fact they might get worse.  Intensify your
	relationship with your bank and any friends you have who might be
	able to lend you a few bucks.
%
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18)
	You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive.
	You lie a great deal.  On the other hand, you are inclined to be
	careless and impractical, causing you to make the same mistakes over
	and over again.  People think you are stupid.
%
ARIES (Mar. 21 - Apr. 19)
	Be cheerful today. People who don't like you will outnumber those
	who do.  You have warts.  Focus on domestic status, financial matters,
	and venereal disease.  Look for involvement with Libra or Aquarius
	natives; probably a fistfight with one of each.
%
ARIES (Mar. 21 - Apr. 19)
	You are a wonderfully interesting, honest, hard-working person
	and you should make many new friends, but you won't because you've
	got a mean streak in you a mile wide.
%
ARIES (Mar. 21 - Apr. 19)
	You are the pioneer type and hold most people in contempt.  You
	are quick tempered, impatient, and scornful of advice.  You are
	not very nice.
%
Astrology... just a bunch of Taurus.
%
CANCER (June 21 - July 22)
	This is a good time for those of you who are rich and happy,
	but a poor time for those of you born under this sign who are
	poor and unhappy.  To tell you the truth, any day is tough
	when you're poor and unhappy.
%
CANCER (June 21 - July 22)
	You are sympathetic and understanding to other people's problems.
	They think you are a sucker.  You are always putting things off.
	That's why you'll never make anything of yourself.  Most welfare
	recipients are Cancer people.
%
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19)
	Follow your instincts.  You are much too scatterbrained to do anything
	else, such as think.  Romance is in the air, but not for you, so forget
	it.  That pimple on the end of your nose will get worse.
%
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19)
	Play your hunches.  This is a day when luck will play an important
	part in your life.  If you were smarter, you wouldn't need so much
	luck and you wouldn't be reading your horoscope, either.  You are
	a suspicious person, and it will occur to you that astrologers
	don't know what they're talking about any more than your Aunt Martha.
%
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19)
	You are conservative and afraid of taking risks.  You don't do
	much of anything and are lazy.  There has never been a Capricorn
	of any importance.  Capricorns should avoid standing still for
	too long as they tend to take root and become trees.
%
GEMINI (May 21 - June 20)
	A day to take the initiative.  Put the garbage out, for
	instance, and pick up the stuff at the dry cleaners.  Watch
	the mail carefully, although there won't be anything good
	in it today, either.
%
GEMINI (May 21 - June 20)
	Good news and bad news highlighted.  Enjoy the good news while you
	can; the bad news will make you forget it.  You will enjoy praise
	and respect from those around you; everybody loves a sucker.  A short
	trip is in the stars, possibly to the men's room.
%
GEMINI (May 21 - June 20)
	You are a quick and intelligent thinker.  People like you because
	you are bisexual.  However, you are inclined to expect too much
	for too little.  This means you are cheap.  Geminis are known for
	committing incest.
%
I do not take drugs -- I am drugs.
		-- Salvador Dali
%
LEO (Jul. 23 - Aug. 22)
	You consider yourself a born leader.  Others think you are pushy.
	Most Leo people are bullies.  You are vain and dislike honest
	criticism.  Your arrogance is disgusting.  Leo people are thieves.
%
LEO (Jul. 23 - Aug. 22)
	Your determination and sense of humor will come to the fore.  Your
	ability to laugh at adversity will be a blessing because you've got
	a day coming you wouldn't believe.  As a matter of fact, if you can
	laugh at what happens to you today, you've got a sick sense of humor.
%
LEO (Jul. 23 - Aug. 22)
	Your presence, poise, charm and good looks won't even help you today.
	Look over your shoulder; an ugly person may be following you.  Be on
	your toes.  Brush your teeth.  Take Geritol.
%
LIBRA (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22)
	Major achievements, new friends, and a previously unexplored way
	to make a lot of money will come to a lot of people today, but
	unfortunately you won't be one of them.  Consider not getting out
	of bed today.
%
LIBRA (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22)
	You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with reality.
	If you are a man, you are more than likely gay.  Chances for
	employment and monetary gains are excellent.  Most Libra women
	are prostitutes.  All Libra people die of venereal disease.
%
LIBRA (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22)
	Your desire for justice and truth will be overshadowed by your
	desire for filthy lucre and a decent meal.  Be gracious and
	polite.  Someone is watching you, so stop staring like that.
%
PISCES (Feb. 19 - Mar. 20)
	Take the high road, look for the good things, carry the American
	Express card and a weapon.  The world is yours today, as nobody
	else wants it.  Your mortgage will be foreclosed.  You will probably
	get run over by a bus.
%
PISCES (Feb. 19 - Mar. 20)
	You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being followed
	by the CIA or FBI.  You have minor influence over your associates
	and people resent your flaunting of your power.  You lack confidence
	and you are generally a coward.  Pisces people do terrible things to
	small animals.
%
PISCES (Feb. 19 - Mar. 20)
	You will get some very interesting news of a promotion today. It
	will go to someone in the office you dislike and will be the job
	you wanted.  Don't lend anyone a car today.  You don't have a car.
%
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21)
	Move slowly today, be deliberate.  Indications are for bleeding
	ulcers.  Drink milk.  Try not to be your usual offensive and
	obnoxious self.  Call your mother.
%
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21)
	You are optimistic and enthusiastic.  You have a reckless
	tendency to rely on luck since you lack talent.  The majority
	of Sagittarians are drunks or dope fiends or both.  People
	laugh at you a great deal.
%
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21)
	Your efforts to help a little old lady cross a street will
	backfire when you learn that she was waiting for a bus.  Subdue
	impulse you have to push her out into traffic.
%
SCORPIO (Oct. 23 - Nov 21.)
	You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted.  You will
	achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of
	ethics.  Most Scorpio people are murdered.
%
SCORPIO (Oct. 23 - Nov. 21)
	Friends abound today, seeking repayment of past loans.  Smile.  Check
	for concealed weapons.  Your natural cheerfulness makes others want
	to throw up.  Knock it off.
%
SCORPIO (Oct. 23 - Nov. 21)
	You will receive word today that you are eligible to win a million
	dollars in prizes.  It will be from a magazine trying to get you to
	subscribe, and you're just dumb enough to think you've got a chance
	to win.  You never learn.
%
TAURUS (Apr. 20 - May 20)
	Let your self-confidence and determination shine, and people will
	find you boorish and headstrong.  Travel, promotion, and romance
	highlighted, if you live long enough.  Don't take any wooden nickels.
%
TAURUS (Apr. 20 - May 20)
	Take advantage of this opportunity to get a little extra sleep,
	because you're going to miss the bus again today anyway.  You will
	decide to lose weight today, just like yesterday.
%
TAURUS (Apr. 20 - May 20)
	You are practical and persistent.  You have a dogged determination
	and work like hell.  Most people think you are stubborn and bull
	headed.  You are a Communist.
%
Those who believe in astrology are living in houses with foundations of
Silly Putty.
		-- Dennis Rawlins
%
VIRGO (Aug. 23 - Sep. 22)
	Get it in writing.  Be careful.  You are surrounded by lechers and
	assholes; birds of a feather flock together.  Trust no one.  People
	will not be offended, because they've come to recognize you for the
	paranoid neurotic that you are.  Your dentures are loose.
%
VIRGO (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22)
	Learn something new today, like how to spell or how to count
	to ten without using your fingers.  Be careful dressing this
	morning.  You may be hit by a car later in the day and you
	wouldn't want to be taken to the doctor's office in some of
	that old underwear you own.
%
VIRGO (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22)
	You are the logical type and hate disorder.  This nitpicking is
	sickening to your friends.  You are cold and unemotional and
	sometimes fall asleep while making love.  Virgos make good bus
	drivers.
%
YOUR FOAMY FUTURE
	by Miss Fortune

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18)
	You have nothing better to think about than what to wear and what
	type of champagne to take to the neighbors Halloween Party.  Just take
	beer!  Don't try to copy the "Joneses", pull them up to your level and
	remember, in California Hoalloween is redundant anyhow.

PISCES (Feb. 19 - Mar. 20)
	Focus on strengthening friendships this Fall.  You find others are
	fascinated by your intelligence, your wit, your drinking ability, and
	your bank account.  Just make sure you realize it's far more impressive
	when other discover your good qualities without your help.
%
YOUR FOAMY FUTURE
	by Miss Fortune

ARIES (Mar. 21 - Apr. 19)
	Matters are not good, where you health is concerned.  This Fall, be
	sure to "walk groundly, talk profoundly, drink roundly, and sleep
	soundly" and you will live all the days of your life.

TAURUS (Apr. 20 - May 20)
	You spent a fortune on beer this past summer and now find yourself
	in a deep depression because you can't afford even one of your favorite
	brewskis.  Don't fret too much, Taurus.  To get back on your feet
	simply miss two car payments.

GEMINI (May 21 - June 21)
	You think you're falling in love with a person who has a lot in
	common with yourself.  You both prefer ales, you've both tried your
	hand at homebrewing, and you both want to visit every new brewpub that
	opens.  Sounds impressive but remember you really don't know your
	partner until you meet in court.
%
YOUR FOAMY FUTURE
	by Miss Fortune

CANCER (June 22 - July 22)
	You've been awarded a clean bill of health this month and you feel you
	owe it all to the excessive amount of Vitamin B, Iron, and Malt you get
	in your beer.  Being healthy is admirable but don't you think you're
	going to feel stupid one day lying in a hospital dying of nothing?

LEO (July 23 - Aug. 22)
	You will soon acquire a large sum of money and will be in seventh
	heaven as you head to the nearest Liquor Barn and buy all the beer they
	have in stock.  Whoever said money couldn't buy happiness didn't know
	where to shop.

VIRGO (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22)
	Your late night, beer drinking, "life in the fast lane" parties are
	affecting your job production the next morning.  You feel a nine to
	five job is not for a "party animal" such as yourself and may feel
	the need for a career change.  Just remember, people who work sitting
	down get paid more than people who work standing up.
%
YOUR FOAMY FUTURE
	by Miss Fortune

SCORPIO (Oct. 24 - Nov. 21)
	"Hard work never killed anybody, but why take the chance?" is your
	motto.  You don't do much other than sleep, eat, down brewskis, and
	watch TV.  Your friends and family are constantly pestering you to
	clean up your act.  But it's OK, Scorpio.  A kick in the ass is at
	least one step forward.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21)
	You've been on a diet for two weeks and all you've lost is two weeks.
	My advice is to drink copius amounts of beer just to get the thought
	of food out of your mind.  Remember, a good reducing exercise consists
	of placing both hands against the table edge and pushing back.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19)
	Remember that day you had one beer too many and did something
	extremely foolish?  Now your friends are coming and going and your
	enemies accumulating.  Cheer up!  All is not lost.  It's better to
	be hated for what you are than loved for what you're not.
%
